Like the ink from my pen
My blood spilled and with it I wrote about you,
Vowing to myself that this would be the last time.
And it was.
One DaySome days my chest feels so heavy and my heart feels cold,
Yet it burns so much that it could tear itself a hole.
It gets hard to be so far apart
But my dear, one day you’ll get to feel the pounding of my heart.
For now I sleep alone, and even on the warmest of nights it gets a little cold.
But one day I’ll get to hold you close, and I don’t care if you’re a thorned rose.
For I know that life hasn’t been good to you
And at times painted you a shade of blue.
And even if I can’t scrape away the paint
I’ll always be there to help you repaint.
Another GalaxyHer eyes were a portal to another galaxy
that I had yet to discover the wonders of.
And I didn't want the journey to end, even
when I knew that it was over.
EverythingOther people shouldn't be seen as your everything.
Because that would mean that if one day they were
to leave, you would be left with nothing.
You should always be your everything.
Never AgainMy hand is stained red from the blood of
the parts of me that I killed for you.
"Never again..." I whisper to myself as
I wash it away. Never again.
Oh how sweet and innocent I was,
thinking that you were 'the one' because you looked
at me like I had painted the world.
But in between my brush strokes and an
occupied child's smile, I didn't notice you
looking at her as if she had created that world.
Some Things We Can't UnderstandI know that you don't love me.
But some days I just like to think that
my love was so great that you didn't know
what to do with it.
So you just left.
But other days I can't help but think that
I was just pouring my love into a pale with holes.
And I know that none of these are true.
That deep down I know that I will never
truly understand it.
But I guess sometimes we make up our own little
stories just to keep ourselves from going insane
while trying to figure out what went wrong.
The UniverseIn you is the beauty of the entire universe
And just like the universe, I'll spend an entire
lifetime trying to discover new wonders that accompany you.
Maybe I'll never discover them all, but even just
a piece of you is enough to enchant me.
Whispers of DeceitYou said that our love would last forever
And that you'd lie to me never
I believed your every word
Because your whispers of deceit I had not heard.
LessonsIn forty-seven minutes I will be twenty-one years old and my throat is tight with this notion
that every passing moment is a boat taking me further from the boy on the side of the road.
I am terrified of the swelling tide of time, the ripples I will create,
the creases that will be etched into my face
without the laughter lines I know he would have left and
one day someone will ask me how many siblings I have and I will hesitate
because he will be so distant and I can feel it coming.
I never intended to swim without him, but
I am drowning under the weight of pocket-stone-people,
the ones I love who he has never met and won't ever meet
and its forty-four minutes until I turn twenty-one when I realize the relentlessness of this;
how I will age away from him and I am disgusted with myself, with his ashes on the bookshelf,
with this world that keeps making mistakes that can't be fixed.
Twenty one years old and I am a semi-colon, a shuddering pause on the floor,
remembering the time I broke
FarewellThe sudden void into the unhinged mind of a demented soul,
The rapture of a lucid dream, falling into an obliterated consciousness
The devastating coma of a genius protagonist, completing the epic tale of a life
It was all but a dream, a chimera, an excruciating lie.
The nothingness digging its claws into a cryptic vision,
The finality of a banal, vain existence
Never to be remembered, nor praised for its perpetual battle against agony.
There is nothing,
Nothing but the sharp sound of shattering glass,
Nothing but a hollow shell on the edge of the world.
This is where I depart, this is where I bow down,
This is where my crude hatred vanishes with my existence
There is nothing but a vague memory, of a silent soldier walking against the wind,
The pallid remembrance of a once scintillating simper
Good fortune to you all, for my path lies beneath the river
And with it, a single breathe to be released upon all as a somber farewell.
beautiful.i hate my stretchmarks
the vertical the horizontal the ones running miles down my arms
stripes on a circus tent
my body is a freak show
75 cents a ticket
they are the bars on a cage
trapping me inside this prison cell of flesh
(not letting me run away
from all i once was)
reminding me that i am
still that little girl who
was told that she had too
much weight in her stomach
and in her thighs
to be called beautiful
my stretchmarks are the debris from when i tried to collapse upon myself
tried taking up less space
because beautiful is small beautiful is skinny
diets upon diets
because i've been told that
i am only worth the sharpness of my collarbone
why i never wrote you a poem.last summer i tried
to use the words that you fell asleep to
to write you a love song but
every time i tried
my fingers froze up.
i failed the test of describing you
in a paragraph
in a sentence
in a word
there is nothing in my head adequate enough
to describe how you look
on the train station platform
when you smile at me.
i can tell you that
my heart climbs into my throat and
my body prickles with heat and
everything disappears, for just a moment, but
the thing i cannot describe
your mouth caresses my name
like it’s the most beautiful sound
it’ll ever know,
like it understands me perfectly,
you are not made of verses.
you have no meter.
you are not written in stanzas
that i understand
and i find myself captivated
at how beautifully complex
your language is.
you say i’m the mesmerizing one, but, baby,
you've stumped me.
you have left a girl,
a person who wants to build their life
girls that photosynthesizeI.
i asked my mother to buy me sweetener,
and she said "no," and she said "no,
sugar is better for you it's more natural"
so i shrug and i clamp my teeth over
my tongue and sew my mouth closed
and i steal sweet n' low
from the pizza place
my friends watch me pick at my lettuce,
a rabbit-food-lunch that makes me sick
to my stomach, and when i run to the
bathroom during science class they
follow me and ask what i ate for breakfast.
i say "waffles" because they can't know
i won't let them stop me
my therapist asks me if i think i'm sick
and i'm not, i'm strong, but i can't be
not here not here, and the $$$$$$$$
are ticking away as i consider my answer
so i say "yes" and she asks me what
i will become and i say "better"
because that's all they want to hear
my dietitian sets up a rough meal plan
and she says i won't gain weight on it
somehow i trust this woman with art
on the walls of her office and i pick
through the day in corn-kernel bites,
Dear Homophobic ParentsDear homophobic parents,
How the fuck do you think it makes me feel
When you walk out of the room crying
Because you can’t stand the thought of something I can’t control.
I’ll tell you that it makes my insides burn.
The living room feels like a closet.
Suffocating, and yet I can breathe fine.
I am choking on the air,
Polluted by your homophobic slurs.
Making uneducated guesses about things you know nothing about.
Someone ought to teach you to look shit up
Before you go about, shouting your false claims to the world.
My very existence is an error.
Some messed up chemical defect that went wrong,
I don’t belong
I am the Titanic,
To you I am supposed to be perfect
I am supposed to be straight, and happy, and fine.
But I am so very far from fine,
When my lungs are filling up with water,
Your words are an ice berg,
And I am sinking fast.
Why I DanceI dance as if I am sick,
And the movement is medication.
As if getting up in the morning just to practice is the only motivation
To stay awake.
Because well- worn soft shoes
Feel like home.
The world is cold, and lonely.
But when I dance, there is a fire inside my heart, warm and lively.
I feel like a bird,
Like I am able to fly as high as I want.
Gravity, I taunt
As I laugh in its face.
Because the Earth was never a place
Because leaping across dance floors,
Allows me to soar
Higher than I could in my dreams.
Hard shoe dances make me feel powerful.
Like a raging storm at sea.
My stamps, and clicks are crashing waves.
But I am also the sea breeze.
Strong and graceful.
When I dance I feel like I am trading
Secrets with the universe.
My head is clear,
And my will power is strong.
I am a force to be feared.
On bad days,
The rhythms of hard shoes sound like a heart- beat.
A life line.
And I’ll dance until my feet bleed
Just to feel something.
Because dancing is the only thing
A Letter to the Girl who Hates her BodyA letter to the girl who hates her body.
A letter to that girl
Who scrolls through tumblr.
Admiring all of those models.
With thigh gaps that look cute with skirts.
And a waist that you can barely see.
A letter to the girl
Who looks at models,
For their curves.
The way their hips go outwards
And their size D cup breasts.
Please don't look in the mirror,
And hate the girl you see.
That girl is you
And she should be loved unconditionally.
Because you deserve love.
And how much love is not determined on your waist size,
Whether you're chubby or skinny
You're still so very pretty.
You're so perfect.
So for every time you look in that mirror.
And tell yourself you aren't worth it.
That you're arms are too big,
Your hips aren't big enough.
I am a woman.
I am strong.
I have a body like a castle.
A kingdom made just for me.
And I will not destroy that castle,
By trying to starve myself.
By taking brick by brick and dismantling it